Too Many Words to Say: My Rhetorical Self Analysis

If you are reading this blog entry, you are most likely my professor. Welcome to the blog, the blog that has yet become something active or alive because it is my voice that has yet to be found. I thought it appropriate to write my essay here because it is what I am trying to create for myself. You said there are no rules so here we are.

If you are not my professor, you get to enjoy this blog post about how I have come to the point I am with my writing.

Pretending to be something I am not

You want me to talk about who I am and how I have gotten here? What has influenced my voice over the years is a question I ask myself, because I don't feel like I have a voice. I feel like a copy of the people around me, not having anything true to myself. I steal phrases and thoughts from others and morph myself into what others may want. I have done this since I was a child. At the mere age of 5 years old I decided to pretend to be something that I was not because that is what the kids around me expected. Being the only Asian in my school it was only natural the other 5 years-olds assumed I was from China. Somehow that made me cool. To be foreign in this little town. It didn't matter I had only ever known the town of Burrillville, Rhode Island because my skin was different, my eyes were different, I appeared different, so that must of meant I was suppose to be different. I was only 5. The only thing that mattered to me was the fact the other kids seemed to like me. I didn't care that I was lying. I think at the time I didn't see it as lying because I knew I was Asian. I knew my background was different from others so why should I pretend I was the same? When I was 5 I didn't understand my background so it felt okay to pretend I spoke different languages, it felt okay to borrow the identity of someone who was not from Burrillville. It wasn't until I was almost 7 did I start telling the truth about being adopted and knowing nothing about my background besides the fact I had lived in Burrillville my whole life like everyone else.

Maybe the fact that I felt I had to be something that I was not at such a young age was what drove me to become a chameleon, morphing my language and writing to fit the different aspects of my life. It has now come to a point that there are two selves in one person. I write to please and fit the report of what you want to see, but I also write for myself and how I feel.

What you have to do to be successful

Objective:

Learn to write in a way that will please the people around you because they are your ticket to a good stable life. Creative writing is not something that pays well, but if you go into research and become a scientist or a doctor, maybe you have a chance to pay off loans.

Hypothesis:

If you continue to write lab report after lab report about topics you don't feel confident in because there is no time to actually learn the content since another lab report is already due, than you will start to hate the subjects that you love and writing will become a chore.

Materials and Methods:

In order to be successful you need to separate the part of you that feels emotion. Science is neutral. Science is fact. Science is theory. By removing your opinions you appeal to the ones grading your lab report. You appeal to the board of science. But does this work appeal to you? and when I say you I really mean me, but this is a lab report and there can be no sense of my being because I am not the science, I am just the reporter.

Results:

After performing the experiments and writing the lab reports, taking every class needed to get a biology degree, the resulting tests show burn out, and spite. The subject no longer enjoys what shes doing because she no longer feels confident she even knows what is happening. There was no time to get a better idea as her brain was burnt out from cramming assignment after assignment. It is hard to say if she has learnt anything because she believes she knows nothing when she does in fact know many of the answers. Her self esteem appears to be her downfall when it comes to enjoying writing. Something about separating herself from the report makes her unconfident, scared to be wrong.

Conclusion:

As a result of the experiment it can be seen when a student is pushed to complete assignments over understanding assignments, they will become burnt out and unconfident in their work. It is hard to do constant work and be confident when you are constantly being graded and degraded. In conclusion thinking and applying logic without self into writing is hard for the subject.

What you have to do, to feel okay

I was always told I was good at creative writing. From my mother to my teachers, they enjoyed my short poems and stories, yet was never pulled towards the field growing up. Science had always had a hold on my heart. It was my AP bio teacher who inspired me and told me to go into science. I was always the one with potential, yet it never felt like I tapped into it like people expected.

In a series of intense science courses that were slowly chipping away at my confidence, there was my intro to creative writing class. It was only meant to fill a requirement but it ended up changing how I viewed writing and opened up a new coping mechanism for me.

Going through a really messy breakup that shattered me along with the death of my grandfather sent a spiral of pressures to be okay and continue doing good in school. With the burn out and overload of emotions however, that was really hard and the drop in grades really damaged my self esteem and confidence being a student. My professor in my creative writing class told me it was okay and to channel all the hurt and betrayal I was feeling at the time and write it into a poem. Thus the birth of one of the most important poems I had ever written emerged.

The Hurt

I’m trying so hard to survive

without you.

Because you were never meant to be

my lifesaver.

The most painful thing is when

the forecast says rain

and a hurricane comes, sweeping away your shelter.

You look for people, yet no one is there.

What you considered to once be your home is suddenly

unrecognizable.

Everyone tries to understand the heartbreak but,

no one understands or cares when things fall apart.

You ended things.

You said that we were no good for each other.

That the way we loved was toxic and consuming.

That we need to love ourselves to love each other.

So why are your lips on hers while mine taste the saltiness of my own tears?

Why am I the one working on myself while you work with someone else?

You caused the flood and left the damaged property.

Something you can’t fix with money and apologizes.

You call me saying you're sad because you messed up,

I come running.

I call you saying I lost someone and need your presence,

and you ignore me for hours.

You say you never lied to me,

that she was just a friend

but you withheld the truth.

Because friends turn into lovers overnight.

You say you care about me,

that it was never your intention to hurt me.

Yet here I am crying over a boy who knows he doesn’t deserve me.

You say that I am more than enough for you,

Yet you leave me for someone else.

What was it that they could give you that I could not?

I trusted you. I needed you.

I need you...or do I just want you?

I am breaking down and it feels like no one understands while I sit in my room

screaming,

crying.

No one can hear.

No one seems to care.

You don’t seem to care.

I am trying to call out for you, for anyone,

I don’t think anyone can hear and I am afraid I’ve lost my voice.

My efforts have been washed away with the flood.

I’ve been taken away with the wind.

Will you come running?

Or will my voice just be a memory over the fields

where we once stood.

This poem ended up being the first of three poems I went and published with Poets Choice and Poets Nation. It was the first poem that gave me confidence in a long time that I ma

de something good. It was something I created and shared to the world and someone liked it. Writing poetry became a way for me to vent my feelings but also build up my confidence. The people I shared my poetry with were able to relate to it which was something rare to get when writing lap reports or science papers. Not only was it nice to know people liked what I was doing, it was nice to know I wasn't alone in my feelings. I was able to write for myself along with others while in science I felt like I was only writing for someone else to judge.

Learning how to balance

Writing my feelings isn't something that will guarantee me stability. At least with science I know there are many jobs to be found. Creative writing is more freelance work which is something that scares me. So I find a way to do both. With the support of professors, family, and friends, I do my best to balance the challenges of having two identities in my writing. From being a poet, to being a researcher. I write the way I need to in order to be successful one day, but also to vent and feel better about myself. I am still trying to figure out my identity as a person, but with the influences around me I think I will come out okay in the end.